I’m not a genius, nor can I claim any kind of expertise about Major League Baseball. So someone is going to have to explain this to me in coherent plain-speak. And none of that Rafael Palmeiro “shading of the truth” stuff, either.

Like a lot of other semi-interested baseball fans were doing last (Sunday) night, I was watching the Yanks and Phils battling in game Four of the World Series.

There was ample excitement, intrigue, good hitting and better pitching, all the stuff you’d expect to see.

And then this guy walks up out of the Yankee dugout.

It’s Dave Eiland. Dave freaking Eiland!?! This guy I haven’t seen for like a decade, who wasn’t even in the majors for three full season between 1988-2000, and who, by all accounts, wasn’t exactly White Ford out there (more like a Ford Edsel) was giving ADVICE to Yankee pitchers, telling them what they’re doing right and wrong.

Don’t’ get me wrong. I’m sure Dave is a nice guy. Well, actually, I have no idea. He could be a jerk. But what do a lifetime 12-27 record, 5.74 ERA and 4-to-3 strikeout-to-walk ratio have to say to anyone on a World Series pitching staff?

Seriously? It piqued my interest, so I decided to look around the league a little bit at whom major league managers decide to keep on the bench as, you know, the “expert” advisors.

I started with the Yankees. Besides manager Joe Girardi, he of the lifetime .267 batting average (.184 in postseason play!) and one all-star appearance (2000), the Yankees have these guys on their bench: batting coach Kevin Long (lifetime .273 hitter in minor leagues, never made majors thank to injury); first base coach Mick Kelleher (lifetime .213 hitter, career-high 77 hits in 1976); third base coach Rob Thompson (lifetime .257 hitter, two-time all-star, led the majors in triples and hit by pitch in 1989); and bullpen coach Mike Harkey (lifetime 4.49 ERA, 36-36 record).

The only legitimate decent major league star in the bunch is bench coach Tony Pena (18-year major league career, five all-star appearances, four Gold Glove awards, .338 batting average in postseason, AL Manager of the Year in 2003).

What a mixed bag.

On the other side of town, the Mets have celebrated hero Howard Johnson as batting coach — a guy who struck out 1,053 times in 14 seasons, an average of 111 times per 162 games.

Their other coaches: pitching coach Dan Warthen (12-21 career mark, 4.31 ERA in the pitching-strong, late 1970s National League); third base coach Razor Shines (seriously? a three-year career with 81 total at-bats and .185 average); Randy Niemann (no, not the lame song writer, the guy who went 7-8 in eight seasons for the Astros, Pirates, White Sox, Mets and Twins); and bullpen catcher coach Dave Racaniello, whose claim to baseball fame was that his junior college, Norwalk CC, won the JC World Championship.

The saving grace among them is bench coach Sandy Alomar, Jr., a former Rookie of the Year who was named an all star six times. HE makes sense. The others? Eh.

Other obscurities? Ron Wotus (58 career at bats!) is bench coach for the Giants, Jim Skaalen (.246 hitter – in the minors! never made the majors) is hitting coach for the A’s and Bruce Walton (8.21 career ERA) is pitching coach for the Blue Jays.

These kinds of players are the standard, not the exception. I guess that old adage is true: if you can do it, teach.

It’s possible the opposite is true, too. If you can, you can’t teach. Look at the Mariners for a quick example. They hired Paul Molitor, one of the best hitters of his generation (or any other) to be their hitting coach in 2004. What happened? They hit .270, right at the league average, and were dead last in home runs, runs, RBIs and slugging in the American League. Molitor was gone before next season started.

Which brings me to Mark McGwire, who made headlines recently by being named a hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals.

McGwire, he of the prodigious in-game statistics (583 home runs). He of the unwritten-but-spoken-of-often ban from the Hall of Fame. He of the connection to performance enhancing drugs.

Judging by all other accounts listed above, expect the Cardinals to return to their roots: lots of bunts, lots of hustle and fewer home runs.

And if McGwire doesn’t work out, try the scrap heap. Seems to work for everyone else.