Sequim Gazette Editorial and Letters to the Editor

Throughout history it has been found that the next generations of inventions and discoveries are often of more use than their parents. As an example, discovery of the apple in Eden prompted fig leaf attire, ultimately leading to gigantic revenues in the clothing industry. After the wheel was invented, more than one was connected together allowing skateboards and motorcycle wheelies. The mining and processing of metals has given us wedding rings, basketball rims and sewer pipes. Think what we would be missing if Isaac Newton hadn't been bonked with an apple: No yo-yos, rubber balls or pile-drivers.

Here are two inventions that will undoubtedly bring us multiple benefits: The use of corn for fuel and potatoes for tent pegs. The corn that our Native Americans gave us immigrants to eat seems headed for gas tanks. Not only is it less expensive than the $4.50 per gallon gasoline we now slurp, but vegetable fuel reduces our dependence upon monopolized and diminishing oil supplies. Plus, spent corn emissions are less harmful to the environment than those of fossil fuels.

But corn is not the only food product being utilized for other than human and animal ingestion. For some time, stakes made from potato starch have been used in the turf industry. In contrast with metal, wooden or fabricated ones, potato stakes are biodegradable. As they are acted upon by living organisms, they become innocuous products. They disappear down the gullets of birds, animals, bugs and teeny, teeny microbes.

Now we have gone from turf stakes to tent supports, tent stakes. At a recent outdoor music festival in England, the organizers required potato tent stakes. Not only will they gradually be eaten, they won't harm cows as do metal or wooden ones. The benefits to the festival were potato stakes strong enough to survive rap and heavy metal music while temporarily supporting shelter for the nutty kids.

Is all this the tip of a beneficial iceberg? What other edibles might we alter to be of more help to us? Before we leave the potato, think about potato chips. They are noisy. So, spread strengthened, wind-resistant, transparent chips around prison walls: That could be an inexpensive warning system for escape attempts. (Crunch, crunch.) How about soup? If it is true that chicken soup is "good for what ails you," why not chicken-soup-shots? Used in emergencies, a delivery by injection would more quickly reach the bloodstream.

Occasionally a reader begins a book only to discover that it stinks. Let's have books with thin, sturdy pannini pages and hard, flattened pancake covers. If you don't like it, eat it. Those baldies who want wigs or hair transplants find that both are very expensive. If permanently moisturized and color coordinated, why wouldn't thin spaghetti work?

Bacon tongue-depressors that would save trees, ketchup paint for stop signs, and snap crackle and pop Cheerios, orchestrated for relaxing music, are thoughts. Also, self-peeling oranges and bananas, Swiss cheese strainers and soda pop that cleans oil spills. Let's think big: How about gingerbread houses ... Hansel and who?

Why restrict this to food products? If we can improve anything with imagination and technology, let's go local. First, widen our irrigation ditches. Then, deliver the mail by boat and sell scenic, gondola tours. Also, during the festival, dye the water lavender.

Here is a synergistic improvement guaranteed to attract more tourists and thin the elk herd: Develop our festival flower so that when eaten, it will turn skin pigment and hair lavender. Feed it to the elk herd: Instant tourist attraction. When all the elk are nicely colored, run a nationwide contest to correctly spell "Sequim." Those with the right answer will receive a unique, adorable lavender elk. Voila! The herd is thinned.

Finally, I wonder if the Beebes would be interested in having a few lavender bears for their Olympic Game Farm.



Louis Howard lives in Agnew. He has written columns for The Reporter in the Sacramento Valley and the Sequim Gazette.